FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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