Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
