This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
