No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
