Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
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