What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
