maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
