did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
