I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Randomize