I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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