If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
