Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
