recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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