I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
