Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Sex in the backyard? Check.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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