What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
