Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
