After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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