We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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