What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
