It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
