It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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