Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I puked a lego.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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