i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
