woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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