i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
