you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
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Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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