Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
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He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
This baby is an asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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