I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
