I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
