i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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