Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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