Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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