I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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