i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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