Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
