My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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