what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
sarcasm needs its own font
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
