I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
