I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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