the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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