he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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