I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
