Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
