True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
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