My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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