she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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