I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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