Don't make out with my wife yet
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Randomize
