I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
