I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
