Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
high people should be assigned attendants
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
