Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
