My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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